Fronds of Green

Fronds of green

Tickling the senses

Enjoying each dance in the wind

Not having a work day to begin

All is happening inside

Producing

Pumping

Emitting winter scents to us

As a reminder of the time that’s come

Our own inward dance to occur in parallel of our work days

Fronds of green

Deep desire to explore the internal life

What happens when we don’t observe?

Energetic vibrations

Rapid responses

Life force energy

An ability to continue existence despite the harsh wind

An allowance to dance

I welcome the bleak month as it means I will likely journey inwards too

And allow myself to dance in the wind

Just like those fronds of green

Pattering Rain

The rain patters against the windshield. I am not ready to leave the comfort of his energy. I want to stay and lay all day in each others arms. He exits his door and walks over to me. He kisses me and whispers “stay dry today” and off I went. The day has begun and I am still not ready. Still dreaming of his comforting love that makes physical impacts on me and makes me feel alive.

Phases

In order to really get to know yourself, you have to be able to embrace your darkness. We are all like the moon, we go through phases. We are in a continuous cycle of moving from full light through full dark. Our light is always a part of us. Our dark is always a part of us. You cannot understand yourself until you can embrace all it is you are.

I create when I’m dark & what you see is not all of me. I am light too.

i am a moon.

When did I become the moon? Engrossed in dark femininity, trying to maintain my light for myself and others. I shine most of the time but I still have times of darkness. When people think of me, they forget about the phase when I fade away. When my light goes out and I feel like I can’t move on. Luckily, everything happens in phases.

 

hello sliver moon

Hello sliver moon

You’re keeping me company this morning

Hello sliver moon

My heart has been in mourning

 

Hello sliver moon

My depression has started re-forming

Hello sliver moon

My emotions are so warring

 

Hello sliver moon

Your light is joyful and roaring

Hello sliver moon

You’re sending my heart soaring

 

Hello sliver moon

I hope your energy is a warning

Hello sliver moon

I hope my own light is aborning

 

Hello sliver moon

My world has been dark and pouring

Hello sliver moon

I’m so glad you visited me this morning

pinned

At times, my life feels like the overplayed scene of a woman pinned between a car and a tree. She is stuck, immobile, and has seconds left. She seeks last words but none come to mind. A review of her well-routined life and her free time spent sulking. Ready to say goodbye.

Cycles

With each breath, crisp fall air fills her lungs with decay and sorrow. She is sick. The plants are dying and the birds are migrating. Her body is preparing for the dark season.

The coming months will be without sunlight. The air will grow cold, eventually, bone chilling. She will do fine the first few months but the bleak will get to her in due time. The depression will take over but she cannot forget it will be cured again with sunlight and a warm embrace.

Pylon

She leans against a pylon in the empty train stop. Her hair is blowing in the breeze and the sounds of the rustling leaves fills her head. The season is changing.

She is not yet where she hoped to be in this new season. She is no where near where she wanted to be. Actually, she hasn’t tried to change at all.

A plane flies overhead and she can feel the rumble of the engine vibrating in her feet. She wants to run but she is paralyzed. Her feet are detached from her brain. Her toes are rooted through the cement beneath her feet, dug deep underground amongst the dirt, amongst the bugs.

A blown leaf catches on her foot. She looks down and moves her feet apart. She has been a barrier for herself. She doesn’t want to block anyone or anything else. The leaf loses grip and floats away with the wind, to continue its destiny.

distant company

The lonely sinks in after 3 nights of sitting on the screen porch. Complete quiet except for the low buzz of the insects in the grass. She sits there in her thoughts while she looks out for some wildlife company.

After some time, she hears some rustling from the edge of the wood and in the distance she spots two eyes. A deer has come to feed on the dandelions.

Their eyes connect. She understands that the deer wants his space. The deer understands that she will give him peace. She finds comfort in no longer being alone.

Shoved

I am trying to find the words to paint my memory. To illustrate how ridiculous our actions were. Years ago, in the car, turning from one forested street to another, the sun shining through the trees. The backdrop was calm. It did not fit the scene. We were screaming over nothingness, making accusations and exclamations, shoving one another. Hormones were high and the wounds were deep. We were hurting each other.

I was ungrateful – and to be honest, I still am. My feelings are tainted by pain that is self-inflicted. I am sick and I am sad.

 

Indication

The soft moments with you that brush against my reality give me the the indication that we are moving in the right direction.

You are quiet. You are reserved. You are particular.

You are strong. You are sound. You are kind.

You are many things – although sometimes I think you ignore your qualities. You avoid your feelings as if they have bad intentions for you. You hush your inner voice telling you to open up.

Your walls were built to protect you, but in the end, they are hindering your growth. You have to let people in sometimes.

I am so glad we are getting somewhere.

My Ally

I’m standing on the stairway at the end of the beige corridor. The lights are low. The tone of the scene matches my insides. Dark and worried. Silent.

I glance down the hallway and she is in the doorway. He had knocked on her door looking for me. They both turn my direction, looking my way as if they were deer in the night.

She is peeking at me from the 5 inch crack in the door. He face is pale and worried. Her hair is up and frazzled. She stands there in her vintage pajamas, pastel and faded. She is giving off a low, frightened energy. It seems like he may have interrupted her while she was crying in there alone.

When we meet eyes, she frowns at me in the most loving way you could imagine. I don’t return the look. I stare; blank. Empty. Bleak and broken.

Our pain is so similar, yet nothing alike. When my pain freezes me in time, her pain shatters her entire world. When my pain rings loudly in everyone’s’ ears and runs red streaks throughout my sight, her pain doesn’t make a peep. Even though our pain speaks different truths, it is still pain.

I keep replaying this 10 second moment in my head. I have guilt for not returning the look. I was too strong in my emptiness. I regret not saying hello earlier in the evening. I regret not smiling in that moment.

I should have conveyed that we are wearing the same shields. I should’ve conveyed that we are on the same muddy battlefield, giving it our all, fighting the same war. I should’ve conveyed that we were allies, at risk for losing the same thing. We must gaurd our lives together as a team.

 

Goodbye

Show off his craft and woodworking, the pieces of his time.

Remember the things he enjoyed, his love of deep red wine.

Rest in the home together, the one that he built with you in mind.

Hold one another close, and finally say goodbye.

Delicate Falls

I wanted to take you on the hike we completed recently. The hike with the rocks. The hike with the heights. The hike with lover’s leap. But I stopped myself because I was too scared you would purposefully jump off the highest cliff, into the rocky abyss. Visions of you crying, standing there. Your delicate jump. Your delicate fall. Your hair flowing and your nightgown waving. With everything smashing to pieces before my eyes.

I couldn’t take you there, not even in my mind.

Tired

The pain is radiating from my ear lobe to my jaw. I can feel it with every move I take. The quite too familiar ear infection, plaguing the weekend I so looked forward to. I thought I was in need of a break before but somehow life pushes us beyond our wildest expectations and forces us to keep on. Shows us how strong we are. Shows us that we can never give up.
I’m tired today. It was an interesting weekend.

10 Years

My dear friend pointed out to me today that it has been 10 years since my grandmother’s passing.

 

10 years, 3 months, 18 days. 
A total of 3,762 days. 
Over 5 million minutes.
And more than 325 million seconds.

 

Her porch was lined with spider plants, money plants, ferns and more. So much green, so much peace. Drinking lemonade on the lounge chairs, laughing or singing the afternoon away.

My grandmother, Helena, was very much in love with nature. She had an infatuation with birds. She loved her colorful sprawling gardens, laced with lilies, butterflies, and green. She had a glass garden orb, her “crystal ball”. I spent much time playing with her outside, listening to birds and going for walks.

We loved to go to the beach together. Sitting with our chairs in the water and sifting through the sand to find treasures. It could be hot, it could be cool; we were there any time we could be. Bringing as much food as possible to the beach because we wanted it to feel like home. Pans of brownies stolen by seagulls. Oh, the stories!

My grandmother spent a lot of time creating which she has passed on to me. Sewing, crocheting, painting, writing, photography, ceramics. Any way that she could express herself. I remember making chains of colored paper with her and stringing them up in her dining room as if we were hosting a gathering. We would drink our tea and eat our cookies under the rainbow links. I was so proud to sit there beneath my own creation, the decorations for our own private tea party.

Helena died of ovarian cancer in April of 2007. She had a fear of doctors and seldom went for check ups. I find that I am following in her footsteps. I haven’t been to my PCP in 1.5 years, haven’t seen an OB/GYN in over 3 years. This is not the greatest trait to inherit but nonetheless, it is true. Constant worriers can either over-react or under-react and I find that with my health, I don’t do much but tell myself all is well.

I never made the connection but I’m glad that my friend did. I am definitely connected to my grandmother and even 10 years later, she has had such a profound impact on me. I miss her every day.

The Flower Farm

Navigating to park on this one way dirt road. Windows down, hair awry. The earthy scent in the air and a sight to see! Saturated colors line the field. Flowers everywhere. I want to be selfish and take them all. Fill my head with soft petals of bliss, their long roots stretched all the way to my fingers and toes. Fill my body with light and make me weightless. Fill me with dirt and leaves. Fill me with air. I want to breathe.

Energy Exhumed

Last night was muggy. The breeze ran through the screen porch and allowed us some temporary relief. There were six of us, all family; some of us, best friends.

Ghosts were brought up and were assumed as my childhood imaginary friends. That is mostly true (stories I will share another time), but I did conjure up a fictional girl to spend time with.  My imaginary friend was very bohemian; colorful, long hair, no shoes. Though she never shared her name, I called her Esmeralda because she reminded me of one of my favorite Disney characters. She was my guide and my companion. I was an only child and she was a sister to me.

The next topic was the sacred Ouija. As I sit with the group, hysteria erupts. Ignorant assumptions of satanic, demonic, and negative energies. A spirit board is a tool. It is a symbol of other realms. It calms me and always has. It has helped me find the right path at times. It has provided me with positive results and comfort.

If only people could see the energy exhuming from themselves.